Karin Nelson

WARNING: This post contains some graphic descriptions of bodily functions. Please read at your own peril.

When you reach the age of 50, that’s when the real testing starts. For women, it’s mammograms in a two year interval. Then colon cancer screening. Every two years. Pap smears, every three years. Blood tests regularly. Because as we age, our body starts to fail us. Like an old car.

With two uneventful colon screening tests under my belt, I went into my third one hoping it was again smooth sailing. Not so fast. Dropped the sample off on Tuesday, got a call back from the BC Cancer Agency on Friday, in the middle of my trip to Kelowna. Yes, they said, there was evidence of blood in the sample, and we need to schedule you for a colonoscopy.

A colonoscopy, if you don’t know what that is, is basically a camera snake up your rear end. They look around for issues, namely polyps, or tumours, or other fun stuff. If they can address is right then and there, they will, if not, more interventions are needed. Colon cancer, so I’ve been told, is one of the slowest moving cancers out there, so early detection is key. False alarms are also common since blood in the stool can come from much more innocuous sources, such as an irritation around the anus skin. TMI, I kno.

When I hung up the phone, I was stunned. A colonoscopy? Do I have cancer? OMG why is everything so fast? But before I could even stress more about it, the phone rang again and it was my family doctor. “Karin”, she said, “I’m calling about…”
“I know”, I cut her off. “I just hung up with the cancer clinic.
“What?” She seemed outraged. “How come they’re so fast? They usually give me plenty of time to prepare my patients!”

She proceeded to explain to me that I shouldn’t worry because she wasn’t worried in the least. She was confident it would be a false positive, and even if it was something, it would merely be a polyp, which could be removed and that’s that.
“Like a concerning mole. Cut it out, done with it.”
It calmed my nerves somewhat, especially when she told me that the actually colonoscopy wouldn’t happen until the end of summer. And it was the beginning of June now.

Over the course of the weekend away I tried to not stress about it too much. Sure, I’d take the call on Monday from the nurse, they would give me an appointment (in September), and instructions of how to prepare for the procedure.

On Monday, the phone rang, the nurse asked me some questions and proceeded to give me an appointment for 10 days later. June 19th. Err…. how come it’s coming up so fast? Will I have time to prepare? My doctor said months!

No, not at all. These are faster than the doctor prescribed ones. And yes, enough time to prepare. And she rattled down some things. We’ll send you an email with instructions. Good bye.

Here I sat, numb. Less than 2 weeks to mentally prepare for it. My husband thought that was great.
“So you get it over and done with before the summer holiday and you can enjoy your time.” True. Having a sword of Damocles hanging over your head when you’re supposed to have a good time isn’t a good time.

Now I have a little bit of a PTSD situation going on with colonoscopies. At the tender age of 16, exactly 40 years ago, I had a colonoscopy done in Germany. I had some issues with digestion back then, which I think was mostly related to school stress, but they decided to do a scope. Fine. I did all the prep work they required, including an enema right then and there before the procedure. Then they put me to half-sleep and did the colonoscopy. All I remember is the doctor cursing the whole time, complaining about how full my colon still was. Apparently, so they told me after, I have a couple extra curves in my intestines. Which makes sense, considered how slow my digestion system is.

Preparing for a colonoscopy in Canada involves a fun drink called PegLyte. They sell you a 4 L jug at the pharmacy for shy of $ 40 and tell you to drink 2 litres of it the night before, and 2 L the morning of the procedure. In addition to that, you are supposed to stop eating hard-to-digest foods 5 days before, and have nothing but clear liquids, jello and broth on the day before your test.

This sounds not so bad, right? No enemas. No stress. No food for a day, but hey, we can do it. Well, a normal person would think it’s not so bad. Me, and my PTSD and my worry about a full colon has my brain going 90 miles an hour. Ok, my digestion is 3 days behind any other human’s digestions. If we have spinach for dinner, my husband sees evidence of that the day after. I see evidence of that 4 days after eating it. So I decided I will start the clear liquid diet Sunday morning – 4 days before the scheduled colonoscopy. So it was jello, broth, fruit juices, more jello and some gummy bears (those turn into clear liquid in your stomach too). No milk. No solid foods. Nothing. For 3 days. It wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t impossible. I like jello, and I had a ton of it.

I started pooping the clear liquids I ate. Which was good, I felt. It would make it easier for the PegLyte to do its job. On the evening of my 3rd clear liquid diet day, the time had come for the first 2 liners of PegLyte. Oh, the horror. This stuff is nasty. They call it “Fruit Flavour”, but it doesn’t taste like fruit. It tastes like watered down Pepty Bismol with a heavy salty aftertaste. 2 litres in 90 minutes. I almost didn’t make it. Then the real fun happened. More liquid poops. Many, many more. For three whole ours. After the first hour I cursed myself for not having applied any diaper cream to my butt, but by then it was too late. The irritation had already happened. By my bed time at 10 PM the storm was over, and I could go to sleep. But I woke up way too early, yet just early enough to wrestle down the next 2 L of PegLyte. Drink it cold, they said, it goes down easier. No it doesn’t. It doesn’t enhance the flavour and it’s harder to drink such large quantities of cold, nasty liquid. A few times I had the urge to throw the whole thing up, but I managed to keep it where it belonged. More poops. Hours spend in the bathroom. But in the end I believed the goal of “clear stools” was achieved.

I was dropped off at the hospital by my husband and they checked me in, gave me the gown and the instructions. Everyone was super nice, and the procedure was fast. The knocked me out but not completely. I was aware of some pain when the camera went around corners, but ultimately, I don’t remember much.

When I got wheeled back into recovery, I felt much better. My butt didn’t hurt, thankfully, and it was over. Now the waiting for the results would begin. Did they find anything? Polyps? Tumours? Anything at all? I struggled to stay awake. After about 20 minutes or so, the curtain was drawn and a new nurse told me I was good to go. She also told that the result was normal and they found nothing.

Nothing? Seriously? Normal? No follow up visit necessary? She even told me that my preparation level was “good”. Not excellent, but also not bad. Only a “good” for not eating anything but jello and broth for 3 and a half days?? Oh brother. I’m glad I didn’t eat anything for 3 days. I can’t even imagine what it would have been like if I had just done the 1 day prescribed… nor do I want to imagine that.

A week later I got a phone call from the colon screening centre, telling me I don’t have to do any colon screening testing for the next 10 years. TEN YEARS? Like I said… 3 days without solid food and one day in the bathroom is a great deal for 10 years without testing. I’ll take it.